A Letter to Albert:

Dear Sir,

I have been recommended recently to spend my time 'visiting' your web site where I was assured I would be entertained. Your marketing was allegedly aimed at a very wide audience and would cause no offence.

I totally and utterly disagree.

I was horrified to find myself confronted by nothing more than a most garish example of male toiletry that proceeded to behave in a manner most offensive to any member of our society who lives with integrity.

Are you able to reassure me that you do not fish during the close season? Do you go golfing when there is the threat of a thunder storm and therefore put other people (and therefore your 'partner'!) at risk? Did you pick a place to climb a mountain where there was no protected species of alpine flower or bird - the area was public and therefore you were not trespassing , and most importantly you were not alone? And ultimately, sir, just what was your intention towards the lady sock you were stalking during the night? She was patently not your wife...

You must understand that like almost every customer you have, I am part of a family with children who are understandably curious about this new craze the internet, and I spend/waste an enormous amount of time checking anything they wish to see before they do so. Most of it is reasonably innocuous, but your story of a typical day in your life is full of pitfalls for the young and, if not innocent, certainly corruptible.

However, I must admit I am impressed with your product, and enclose my order and payment...

Yours faithfully,
An Old Boot